HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Steve-O is opening up about his addictions and vowing to fight to on in his life.
The MTV "Jackass" star, who was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles last week for psychiatric treatment, writes in a MySpace blog that he has always felt "powerless over alcoholism." Steve-O also claims that he was "fed alcohol" as a child, revealing his own mother's struggle with alcoholism.
"Mom was very alcoholic, and I feel that is a gross understatement," he writes. "I know I was always powerless over alcoholism, because it had such a grip on Mom's adulthood and my childhood, and I never chose to fight it. Until now."
Steve-O claims that his mom once lied to his family about having lymph node cancer, just so she could stay in bed drunk.
"I can't believe I just called out my own dead Mom for what's surely the worst lie she ever told," he says. "I also can't believe I ever picked up my first drink on my own after the way alcohol ruined her life. God, I miss my Mom."
Despite his struggles, Steve-O says he's not ready to quit, vowing to fight on with his life.
"I'm not ready to die," the 33-year-old says. "I'm ready to live. I'm ready to breathe (properly, even). I'm ready to fall in love. I'm ready to become ready to start a family. I'm ready to be happy, fulfilled and meaningful."
Read Steve-O's entire blog below:
You Should All Know I Am In Rehab
A) HOW I GOT INTO ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
1) Mom was very alcoholic, and I feel that is a gross understatement. I'd love to say that I first took to alcohol out of affection for my mother (there was never any shortage of that for me) but I think the truth is that I was always powerless over it. I know I was always powerless over alcoholism, because it had such a grip on Mom's adulthood and my childhood, and I never chose to fight it. Until now. Dad was a corporate executive whose job required the family to travel the world fairly extensively and both Mom and Dad were quite self conscious of how they were perceived by others. We were frequently on airplanes and, before Mom and Dad would find themselves in the embarrassing position of being caught by other passengers with a crying baby, I was fed alcohol. Obviously I don't have recollections from the time when I was a baby, so this account is pieced together from vague memories of being told stories that are similar or exactly the same. Mom's alcoholism truly reared its ugly head when I was eight and nine years old, it was in 1983 that she lied to the family about having lymph node cancer so that she would have an explanation for staying in bed drunk at all hours. I forgave my Mom very easily for her act of dishonesty, my love for her was unconditional. At this point in my life I find myself hoping that I will be able to forgive myself for similarly selfish acts that my own addiction led me to commit. I can't believe I just called out my own dead Mom for what's surely the worst lie she ever told. I also can't believe I ever picked up my first drink on my own after the way alcohol ruined her life. God, I miss my Mom. I think I was eight years old when I was introduced to the family tradition of children partaking in an alcoholic beverage of their choice, just one, only on New Year's Eve, each year. I think it was right away that I knew I wasn't interested in beer, rather that I wanted scotch whiskey. I can't really remember, after all, what alcoholic remembers the first drink they picked up. The first time I vomited from truly drinking "too much" alcohol, I was twelve years old, that I'm quite sure of. I'm also quite sure that everything I remember taking interest in from childhood, and onwards, I poured myself into with an unhealthy "excessive/compulsive' attitude about it. Baseball. Heavy metal music. Skateboarding. Drinking. Drugs. Oh yeah, and the video camera...
2) I didn't first try marijuana (it was actually hash the first time) because I randomly bumped into it. I tried it because I had made a decision to find it. I tried it again the day after that, as I recall, and, I believe the next day as well. Overnight, when I had just turned sixteen years old, I became a "stoner/druggie." Shortly thereafter, I was taking LSD on a regular basis. It was my prerogative to try just about any drug I could get my hands on. It is not my intention to glorify my history as a drug abuser with elaborate stories about having sex in lavatories on airplanes after snorting amphetamines off the toilet at the tender age of seventeen. I will simply say that when I was interviewed about it all upon checking into this rehab facility, it became frighteningly clear to me how lucky I am to still have any chance whatsoever at leading a happy, fulfilling, and meaningful life. I am so lucky, there is no doubt in my mind that I have a Higher Power that is incredibly interested in me succeeding.
B) ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL MY ALCOHOL/DRUG USE
1) The first time I made an effort to stop drinking, because I was an alcoholic, I was eighteen years old. I recall looking up Alcoholics Anonymous, but not making it to any meetings, and after, perhaps (I can't remember exactly), nineteen days of not drinking, back to back, doing the same number of vodka shots back to back. Mom forced me into a rehab facility when I was twenty years old (she was sober at the time, I was in jail, and going to rehab was my only chance to see sunlight before court). Sobriety lasted for two and a half months after the sun's rays met my face, and it ended as brutally as it had when I was eighteen. 2) Although I mentioned amphetamines, and can't say that I've not accepted them on numerous occasions (especially in pill form), I've never purchased them (correction-bought the pills once) or sought them out when I wasn't aware of their immediate presence. I've never smoked crack before (despise the fictitious rap song I wrote about smoking crack), but, powder cocaine is an entirely different story. I have been aware of significant problems that snorting powder cocaine has caused in my life for many years now, and, on numerous occasions, made efforts to give up the habit, with varied success. The longest I was able to abstain was one year and six days, the second longest was roughly six months, and, you get the idea.
C) ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
1) The abusive behavior that I feel will haunt me for the rest of my life can be summed up by the words "verbal and emotional attacks on my loved ones." As I've expressed before for this behavior, and only this behavior, I fear punishment by my Higher Power.
2) I have done a great deal to damage my mind and body. Like I said, I am beyond fortunate to have this chance at salvaging a happy, fulfilling, and meaningful life. My luck will not last with continued use of alcohol and drugs that are not prescribed to me by doctors that are aware of my addictions.
D) SPIRITUAL ISSUES
1) I believe that I was chosen by my Higher Power/Guardian Angels, and led to the spiritual path which I am currently on. I try not to ask of God, rather, to work for what it is I want, and communicate with God only in "Thank You's." For my Higher Power I am more grateful than I could possibly express.
2) I used to consider myself agnostic, as recently as September of 2006. I now consider myself, well, "spiritual," actually, let me say, "Thankful..."
E) EFFECTS ON FAMILY, SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, FRIENDS
1) I've already covered the communication problems with family members and expressed that I fear punishment for such problems.
2) I've communicated to you all before that I , fairly recently got on both knees and proposed marriage to a girlfriend, in front of her Grandma. I also communicated that she later expressed that she completely changed her mind about getting married. Now I am in recovery and do not have a significant other. My friends are still my friends, but also understand that my health requires that I not be around drugs and alcohol.
F) EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS
1) I do not have poor self esteem or anxiety issues.
2) While I do have guilt issues related to past behavior, I am too excited about my future behavior and the prospect of becoming a healthy parent to let them remain an obstacle.
G) WORK PROBLEMS
1) I've never had problems making it to work or getting paid--the nature of my work almost embraced my addictions.
2) There were jobs that I showed up to in absolutely horrible shape, and some of them ended prematurely due to that fact.
H) FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
1) I have no financial problems.
2) I have no second financial example.
I) CONSEQUENCES OF BEHAVIOR
1) While under the influence of drugs and alcohol, my behavior is so impossible to predict, it is unbelievable. I don't know where to begin, anyone who has known me for so much as a couple of months, shit, even the police offices who arrested me this month can tell you that I've got to be the craziest mutherfukker they've ever laid eyes on.
2) Really, I'm not trying to "toot my own horn," it's time for me to "hang up my hat," to "throw in the towel," it's time for me to "call it quits."
J) PREOCCUPATION WITH CHEMICALS
1) I haven't mentioned nitrous oxide, the drug I "fiend" for, by far, the most. I used to inhale this gas by the cartridge, specifically, by the case (a case containing 600 cartridges). I would call a taxi to come bring me, to pick up a case, and be searching under my mattress for cartridges while awaiting its arrival. When it did arrive, I would bring my cartridge dispenser in the taxi and be dispensing the gas into my lungs for the entire ride home from the pick-up. When I say that I feel I was chosen by Guardian Angels, I say that quite literally. I had a number of not-at-all-subtle experiences that indicated to me that I had to give up the nitrous oxide, and did, six months ago.
2) Another drug that I haven't mentioned is ketamine. It is also a drug that I had not-at-all-subtle experiences on. Enough said.
A GOODBYE LETTER TO MY DRUGS OF CHOICE
At this point, All you fucking things are good for is dying. I'm not ready to die. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to breathe (properly, even). I'm ready to fall in love. I'm ready to become ready to start a family. I'm ready to be happy, fulfilled and meaningful. Maybe I'll see you fukkers if and/or when I'm ready to die.
Steve-O
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