HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Opening up for the first time since being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last January, Patrick Swayze refused to sugarcoat the dark side of his disease.
"You can bet that I'm going through hell," the 56-year-old actor told Barbara Walters in an interview that aired Wednesday night. "And I've only seen the beginning of it."
The star, who rose to fame in such hit films as "Dirty Dancing" and "Ghost," confessed that it's been an emotional rollercoaster for him.
"There's a lot of fear here," said Swayze. "There's a lot of stuff going on. Yeah, I'm scared. Yeah, I'm angry. Yeah, I'm [asking] why me. Yeah, I'm all this stuff."
Swayze said he first began to worry that something was wrong while celebrating New Year's Eve in 2007 with his wife, Lisa Niemi.
"I tried to have champagne, and it would be like pouring acid, you know, on an open wound," he told Walters. "I dropped about 20 pounds in the blink of an eye. And then when you see it in the mirror, you pull your eyes down and the bottom of your eyes go yellow and jaundice sets in — then you know something's wrong."
Despite being diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, Swayze said he refused to give in. This despite most patients in his condition dying within six months. He told Walters his response was: "Watch me! You watch what I pull off."
Swayze has already beat expectations, thanks to an aggressive course of chemotherapy along with the experimental drug Vatalanib. He has also refused to let go of his passion, spending five months last year shooting the new TV show, "The Beast."
"I think everybody thought I was out of my mind, you know, thinking I'm gonna pull off a TV show," said Swayze, who amazingly only missed 1½ days of work when shooting began last July.
Despite grueling long days on set, many of which surpassed 12 hours, Swayze refused to take pain medication.
"When you're shooting, you can't do drugs," he told Walters. "I can't do Hydrocodone or Vicodin or these kinds of things that take the edge off of it, 'cause it takes the edge off of your brain."
Swayze praised his wife of 33 years for giving him the strength to fight on.
"I have no greater respect for any other human being on this earth like I have for her," he said. "Part of me says I couldn't have made it through without her, but, of course, the other part of me says I could have, but not nearly as elegantly as I have."
Swayze told Walters that "the outpouring of love" from fans all across the world "has constantly astounded" him. The Texas native also said he thinks more about the afterlife now.
"I don't know what's on the other side," he told Walters. "It tests everything I believe in … that here is something unique in all of us that does not, does not die."
Swayze said he doesn't feel alone in his fight to survive, confessing that it feels like he has the help of several guardian angels – including his late father – watching over him.
Said Swayze: "I'm trying to shut up and let my angels speak to me and, and tell me what I'm supposed to do."
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