By now, we all know that Lady Gaga — who many believe to be the new Queen of Pop — is set to release ARTPOP, her third full-length album (not counting The Fame Monster EP), on November 11.
Another thing that pretty much everyone knows by now is that Katy Perry — who many believe to be the Queen of Whipped Cream Bosoms — has announced, via gilded semi truck, that her third full-length album (not counting whatever that gospel “debut” thing was all about), Prism, will be released on October 22, a mere three weeks before ARTPOP hits shelves.
“DRAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” – People with not much going on in their lives (myself included).
But wait. Stop. Stop.
Yes, the next few months will see inevitable comparisons made between the two pop queens. Whose single did better? Whose album sold more? Who has more followers on LinkedIn? These are all very, very important questions, right up there with “What is the meaning of life?” and “Why are we having Burger King for dinner again?” and “Why AREN’T we having Burger King for dinner again?” But, dear readers, nothing is as important as sticking together in love, friendship, and, occasionally, in criminal behavior.
Are you with me?! We must be respectful, we must be kind, and above all else, we must not post things like this…
… with captions like “I like the way ur fav falls on her ass the same way her single fell down the charts. Glad she has some company down there!”
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I REPEAT: DO NOT POST THINGS LIKE THIS!
It won’t help. It won’t make you feel better. Instead, consider a kinder, more mature path. Let me help you! Together we will weather this storm!
Here are a few tips for avoiding a full-on Fan War:
Instead of saying…
“It’s funny that your fav’s single stalled at #2 on the charts, being that she is, herself, a big Number Two.”
… consider something like:
“Congrats to you and your fav on your success! #2 is great! Some people, like, oh, I don’t know, Christina Aguilera, would kill for a #2!”
And maybe, instead of taking to fan message boards to rant about how Lady Gaga discounted her album in order to inflate her first week sales or how Katy Perry releases cheap remixes to help her singles hit #1, you could just say something like:
“Isn’t it so nice to have two strong, beautiful women be so successful at the same time?! And isn’t it nice that neither woman is Nicki Minaj?!”
And instead of tweeting something like…
“KATY PERRY/LADY GAGA [circle one] FANS CAN GO F*#& YOURSELVES YOU F*$@ UGLY PIECES OF $@*(!”
… you may want to consider:
ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES!
Together, we can keep the internet — and our streets — safe from the impending Fan War. I believe in you, Little Katycats.
Then again, some things can’t be stopped. So maybe we should all just choose sides, batten down the hatches, kiss our families goodbye, and prepare for the cruel, violent autumn to come.
